Extracts From

Deep Release

Publications

The following extracts will give

you a 'flavour' of the booklet.

LEARNING TO LOVE MYSELF

How often have you heard...

• "You're fine as you are!"
• "You're a new creation in Christ; forget the past."
• "Self-esteem is a worldly concept; we should be 'dead' to ourselves."
• "You're too focused on yourself, too full of self-pity."
• "You have to believe in yourself because Jesus died for you."

I have met so many people who are weary of their continuing battles with low self worth. They long to get it fixed 'now'! I guess we have to accept that many of our struggles have a long history. Rather like trying to lose weight - it took years to put this weight on, I'm not going to lose it overnight! Diet and exercise can seem tedious and unending. How much easier it would be to strap a machine to my body and watch the weight miraculously disappear, or take a pill which nullifies the effect of all the food I want to eat! Nice try, but it doesn't work, does it!

One of the ways of understanding where our low self worth comes from is to get back to the roots of the problem. Where did it all begin?

Pauline's Story

As I was growing up I never heard the words "I love you" from my father. But when I did well at school or "performed" to a high standard, I knew he was pleased. I wanted my father's approval, so I quickly learnt that it was important to be successful. To my mind, failure was not an option, and I soon dropped subjects at school which I found difficult, such as physics and chemistry. When I moved schools at age 13 I asked to be put in a low stream for Maths because I was certain I was useless at the subject. It quickly became apparent that I was quite able to be in the higher stream and was moved up; but my fear of failing the end of term exams, or not understanding the lesson, was so great, I had already downgraded myself. I had told myself I was at the bottom of the class, but the truth was different.

In contrast, there were areas where I was more sure of myself, such as drama, public speaking and art. Winning accolades in these areas gave me a sense of confidence; but they also gave me my value. If I won praise, I was "ok". If I failed, I was definitely "not ok". While my parents assured me constantly they only wanted me to "do my best", underneath was another, deeper script: they wanted me to "be the best".

As a Christian, I grew up in an environment where great emphasis was placed on external rules and regulations. We were meant to be "witnesses" to how wonderful the Christian life was; but I found it dull, restrictive and isolating. I can still remember the sense of awe I felt when I knew my school friend was taking a group from the class to the cinema for her birthday treat - on a Sunday! I was invited, but I didn't even tell my parents. I knew I would never have been allowed to go. Rebellion was out of the question as I had grown into a compliant, people-pleasing little girl who feared the anger of her father and her God if she broke the rules.

I learnt that it is dangerous to disagree with authority figures. My father's anger, my fear of Hell, the stern face of God which confronted me so often in church, all combined to make me one scared little girl. Rebellion was utterly out of the question. I knew I loved Jesus and wanted to follow Him all my life. I knew He was my Saviour, but I also feared God. If I was a "good Christian", read my Bible, prayed, "got it right", then I was acceptable. If I had an off day, God was cross with me, or, more likely, deeply disappointed with me. That was even harder to handle. I had "let Him down".

Thankfully I had a very loving mother who affirmed me and helped me understand who I was. I still struggled with the 'maleness' of God and with the concept of a loving, unconditionally accepting Father. It was a breakthrough day for me when I discovered the verse in Isaiah 66:13, "As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you, and you will be comforted..." Now, mother love I understood!

Much of my life has been dominated by a fear of offending others or making people angry with me. It became my life task to make the world safe, and to do that I believed I had to keep people happy. I developed an internal set of rules which, if I kept them, would minimise the risks. Life developed a neurotic landscape and God's peace took second place to fear of man.

With help, I came to recognise that there are a whole load of false beliefs which are often a stronger influence on my thinking than faith in God. Part of the route to healing is to track their source so I understand why I think this way.

I then need to declare the truth, and make sure that what I'm believing is right in line with the Word of God.

This is many ways sums up my own journey to wholeness: to discover and live in the unconditional love of God who gives me my value regardless of whether or not I "get it right"!

I don't know who I am!

When we are children, our parents often have in their minds an ideal image of what we should be and grow into. It can be hard to resist this. When we are small we are dependent on adults to help us survive - how can we dare challenge our very life support system? So many of us adapt our behaviour to please... we lose the "real me", and life can consist of a profound search to rediscover who God originally meant us to be. We need to find again the Maker's Instruction Book to rebuild our lives!

In order to please - usually a parent, but it could also be another significant figure such as a teacher - we learn to be "good". When criticism or abuse is severe, we feel shamed. We close off inside and build barriers against the hurt, shutting the pain in and keeping abuse out. It's as if we "split" into two - the person we present to the outside world, the conforming, compliant persona, and the real but hurting me inside. If we win approval, we feel better about ourselves; if we are criticised and made to feel small and "wrong", we feel bad about who we are.

As we grow older, continued insistence that we behave in a certain way can produce strong reactions: fear of rejection or punishment is likely to produce compliance. We want to be a 'good girl' or a 'good boy'. But, deep down, we often feel angry at being so constrained and this can also lead to rebellion. Both are likely to leave us very unhappy people.

Often we discover that one way of earning approval, even from a critical parent, can be to succeed... to pass exams, to achieve in the areas of sport, music or drama, to get a good (suitable) job. We learn to believe we are unacceptable unless we behave in a certain way. There are apparently thoughts and feelings that we shouldn't have; behaviours we have to get rid of; talents we have to deny. The son who comes home to tell his doctor father he is not following him into medicine may well be in for a rough ride... particularly if he plans to become a pavement artist... Often our courage can fail us and fear of being a disappointment, arousing anger or being shamed results in our denying the real desires of our heart. The son goes into medicine after all, with no heart to do so, and remains unhappy and unfulfilled. He may rise to great heights and his father may feel proud; but the success is hollow.

As we are growing up, we soon discover the hidden rules in the family home. For example, expressing anger can be a great risk - we may learn that our anger is completely unacceptable, we are sent out of the family circle. "Go to your room!" is the message. Apparently only a part of us is approved of, and that's not the angry bit. So we learn to keep it hidden, or pretend it's not there at all.

It is important to remember that we are made in the image ofGod. An essential element of this is that He is a God-in-relationship, and the key element in creation was the relationship between God and man, and between man and woman. His ideal was surely that Mother and Father would model the heart of God to their children, so that the family would be "in-relationship". It was designed to be a safe, nurturing, secure environment, where we feel we belong and develop self-esteem. The nation of Israel was like a picture of a family with God as Father. Over and over again we see in the Bible the importance of relationships. See Isaiah 58 for an example of where God's heart really lies!

It has been said that, to bring about maximum self-esteem in the child, parental love should be:

Within this relationship we can begin to value ourselves.

Perhaps we can summarise our basic needs as:

• I need to feel secure, to feel loved even when I make mistakes and get things wrong.
• I need a sense of self-worth, to know who I am in my core being and to love myself.
• I need a sense of significance, that my life counts for God and for others; to own that I am truly alive and my life has meaning.

It is wonderful when these needs are met and we are affirmed in the core of our being, right from the start of life. But when the words and treatment we have received have robbed us of these basic elements, it can be a long road back to finding them again.

And more on:

Symptoms of Low Self-Esteem

The Healthy Child and the Hurt Child

Loving my Neighbour means Loving Myself!

Breaking the Hold of the Past

Contradicting our False Beliefs with the Truth of the Bible

People-pleasing

Different Needs at Different Stages of Life

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Extracts From

Deep Release

Publications

The following extracts will give

you a 'flavour' of the booklet.

OVERCOMING FEAR AND ANXIETY

Within a matter of minutes the key went in the front door and in walked my parents. Not dead. Perfectly fit and healthy; just a little later than they'd planned. My terror completely mystified and exasperated them. I was only a little girl, but I was already dominated by what might happen.

I was fearful of almost everything. Each week at our Plymouth Brethren church we would be warned of the dangers of hell. I "became a Christian" at regular intervals in case my prayer hadn't worked the previous time... It was great for the visiting speaker having me around at the altar call, but not so great for my poor mother who had to go through the truths of justification by faith and assure me of my salvation yet again.

Our home was a mixture of happiness and big trouble. My father had a volatile temper and the sound of his anger frequently filled the house. I was terrified of it. Be good, don't upset anyone, keep your thoughts and feelings to yourself, don't answer back.... The list of inner rules and regulations to make the world safe steadily built up.

My earliest actual memory of being profoundly afraid was an incident that occured not at home, but at my infant school. I vividly recall the day when Marie Bailley's mother stormed into our classroom and railed at my beloved teacher. Mrs Bailley was furious about something the teacher had said to Marie and had no scruples in giving her a piece of her mind. I was utterly terrified. I thought my teacher was going to die. It was the raised voice, the anger, the challenge to what was known and secure, they all unsettled me and threw me into deep dismay. I had thought school was safe. Suddenly, like my home, it wasn't.

Even at such a young age, it had become vital that everyone was nice to each other. Being nasty, shouting and accusing was terribly destructive - life-threatening. It must be avoided at all costs.

I adored my mother. She was a source of joy and contentment to me, she gave me value and affirmed me in my core being. She was my safety. But I was aware even as a tiny child of the terrible rows which took place between my mother and father. I know now as an adult of some of the great pressures they faced, but then I was deeply frightened. I suspected that it might be my fault. The desire to "be good" and also to "fix it" began very early on.

I deeply loved my sister who was everything an older sister should be. I never wanted either my mother or sister to leave me, and when my sister went to university, my world and my emotions crashed and I went into breakdown. Again, no one really knew what to do with me. I would catch sight of bewildered looks as they tried their best to help me mend.

Fear can actually be a healthy, God-given emotion. Faced with recognisable danger in a specific situation God has made us so designed that adrenaline pumps and primes our body for peak performance. It may be fight or flight - in other words, stand up and confront the danger, or take off fast in the opposite direction!

We can categorise fear as unhealthy if it is:

• exaggerated beyond the actual situation (such as my fear at my parents' late arrival home)
• prolonged and exaggerated, such as phobias, including agoraphobia (fear of open spaces) and claustrophobia (fear of closed in spaces)
• unfocused, ie dwelling on what might happen, rather than an actual situation.

For example, a mother who sees her toddler wandering out onto the road, in the path of an oncoming car, experiences healthy fear which gives her speed and strength to rescue her child. But the mother who will not let her child leave the house long after he has grown up, for fear that he might be knocked down, is a victim of unhealthy fear.

My friend, Madeleine, had an unhealthy fear of death, interwoven with superstition. She would regularly check the obituaries in the paper. If the people who had died were old, she was ok. If they were in their 20s or 30s, she knew she would be next to die. Irrational, crazy? But so real if you're going through it!

Anxiety often has its roots in real fear which has not been faced or overcome. If this fear remains unresolved it leaves us with underlying tension. It is therefore a useful exercise to track back down through the layers of fear to see what is really at the bottom of it all.

Let's look at some examples.

Karl's Attitude "I can't speak in public"

Underlying Fear "I might not do it well, I might dry up or faint..."

Deeper Fear "I'd look a complete fool"

Consequent Behaviour He can't tell Steve the truth (fear of rejection) so pretends he can't make the wedding date as he's away on business.

Result Karl remains stuck with his fear, misses the chance to play a significant role at his best friend's wedding, and doesn't even get there on the day.

Betty's Attitude "I'll stay with what I know."

Underlying Fear "I won't understand the computers."

Deeper Fear "That would make me a failure."

Consequent Behaviour Betty says thanks, but no thanks to her boss. She refuses to talk about it and he eventually gives up trying to persuade her.

Result Betty stays where she is, bored, under-achieving and watching other newer members of staff get promoted over her head.

In each of the above, events in the past had laid a foundation of self-doubt and fear. Ridicule, failure and rejection have trapped Karl and Betty in prisons of fear. Unless they confront their real fears and work through them, their quality of life will be diminished and the present will continue to be ruled by the past.

Just watching the News on TV is enough to make us lock the doors and stay home... until they warn us about the spate of burglaries in our area, or the need to get your gas central heating serviced regularly! Around two million people are currently on antidepressants in the UK, with twice as many women as men. Prozac has become the wonder drug of the 90s. We try to blot out feelings, to switch off the thoughts that are so fear-ridden.

The root of the word anxiety is to choke or strangle. Many people, including Christians, are emotionally choking through fear. Jesus came to set us free from slavery to fear, and the most frequently repeated command in the Bible is: FEAR NOT! Someone has counted up that there are 366 "Fear Nots" in Scripture - one for each day of the year, including a Leap Year!

One of the most important and well-known verses in the Bible on fear is found in 1 John 4:18. Many of us are familiar with the concept that "Perfect love casts out fear",but what does that mean, and how does it work? The Living Bible translates the verse: "We need have no fear of someone who loves us perfectly; his perfect love for us eliminates all dread of what he might do to us. If we are afraid, it is for fear of what he might do to us, and shows that we are not fully convinced that he really loves us." The route to freedom from fear is essentially about knowing God and becoming deeply convinced of His love for us. Some of us still struggle with this most basic concept, often because of feeling profoundly unloveable. So we need the Holy Spirit's help to uncover the misbeliefs which underlie our fears.

And more on:

Fears from childhood

Fears from later life events

Fear of death

Overcoming fear

Facing facts about fear

Getting it into perspective

Resisting the Lies - spiritual offensive

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Extracts From

Deep Release

Publications

The following extracts will give

you a 'flavour' of the booklet.

Anger: Who's In Control?

"There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her for'ead
And when she was good she was very, very good
And when she was bad she was horrid."

There was one thing I discovered early on as a child. Anger was bad. And when I was angry, I was 'horrid'.

My father was the most angry man I ever knew. Throughout my life, if I dared raise my voice to him, I was met with an overwhelming wave of rage which threatened to wipe me out completely. My own anger was totally unacceptable; but my father's dominated my childhood home and had a far-reaching effect on the lives of my mother, sister and myself.

Curiously, I don't think I ever really doubted that my father loved me. But he frightened me, and that made it very difficult to see anger in any other terms than destructive, dangerous and annihilating. For many reasons, most of which go back to his own childhood family life, Dad did not possess the emotional vocabulary necessary to analyse what was going on and to change his behaviour. As a result I had to anticipate his wrath and learn to avoid it as much as possible. So I sought to please and to appease, to win approval and make my world safe by making my parents happy.

I realised for myself that, in regard to my own anger, I put it in a box and closed the lid on it tight. Leave it there, don't open the box, just forget about it, and deny it even exists.

The message which "little Pauline" should have received from her Daddy has been a long time coming: "You are loved, even when you are angry."

A.V. Campbell in his book, "The Gospel of Anger" says:
"Very often anger is the struggle of the spirit to survive when a person feels defenceless and betrayed. Anger is at its greatest when it is a cry for love..."

Over the years as we have ministered to people in what we call "Deep Release" we have frequently met both men and women who are 'stuck' emotionally. An unmet need in early life can leave us with the pain, frustration and rage of a baby inside our adult bodies. Many of those coming on our courses are deeply afraid of anger - their own and other people's. "If I let it out, I'm scared I'll lose complete control and do something terrible..." is a fear often expressed.

What we seek to do in our small groups is generate a loving, non-judgemental environment where it is safe to explore the anger which we have never accepted or owned as belonging to us. Somewhere where you won't be "sent to your room" because your behaviour is unacceptable. What we aim to do is enable people to bring their anger out into the open and to find the reasons behind it so that we can truly be set free from its binding effect on our lives.

Much Christian teaching on the subject is about "putting away" anger and rage, and "crucifying the flesh". We understand fully the importance of this, but suspect that in many cases the anger has not been killed off, but buried alive. Because the roots of the problem have not been dealt with, the inner rage is still very much around and likely to do damage both to the person who is still angry and to those who live and work with them.

It is a rare thing to find a safe place where we can tell our story without being judged or condemned, and a safe person who will lovingly accept us even when we are exposing our anger, frustration and vulnerability. Sadly, it ought to be the church where we are welcomed with open arms, whatever we are feeling or battling with. But all too often it is precisely here that we have to cover up the 'bad bits' and pretend we're 'fine, thank you'.

But how do I know if I'm really angry or not?

As we listened to Danny's story, it was almost impossible to believe his statement that he wasn't angry about what had happened to him as a child. "It doesn't matter. I've forgiven him... it's all over." The problem was, in Danny's experience, anger only took one form - violent, aggressive rage. In his eyes he saw himself as a gentle, reasonable man - the exact opposite of the father who had been so destructive. He had in fact decided early on in his life that he would never exhibit the characteristics which had affected his life so negatively. He would learn from the past and be different. In short, he would never get angry.

Danny did not realise that he was, deep down, very angry indeed, and this showed itself in sickness, depression and an inability to form lasting relationships. Although he thought he could choose not to be angry his father's way, he was missing the point that anger will find its expression somehow.

Psychiatrist Dr Roger Moss suggests that we need to look underneath our feelings of anger to discover the need which isn't being met. He calls this unmet need our 'Primary Anger', and the outrage we are experiencing in the here and now (which is often sinful) is 'Secondary Anger'.

We have been created by God with certain essential needs which are basic to our very existence. As babies we protest if those needs - for example, nourishment and nurture - aren't met. The infant rage which is expressed (usually loudly and forcibly) is the cry of Primary Anger. It is appropriate and fully justified. If those fundamental needs were not met in our early years, we are probably still very angry about it! In Liz's case it included the need for affirmation, recognition and emotional touch.

Using Roger's terminology, our Secondary Anger, sadly, is often alienating and drives others away from us, intensifying our deep need for loving acceptance and leaving us lonelier than ever. No wonder many of us go to great lengths to hide our anger away and pretend it's not there!

Forgiveness

It is often not just the event which causes the problem but the effects of the event. When we are encouraged to forgive someone we often focus on particular incidents where they hurt us. We may feel we have forgiven them in some measure, but often the pain doesn't disappear. As someone has said:

   When forgiveness
       denies
            that there is anger
       acts
            as if it never happened
       smiles
            as though it never hurt
       fakes
            as though it's all forgotten
   Don't offer it
   Don't trust it
   Don't depend on it

   It's not
       forgiveness
   It's just
       pure fantasy

It is often important to explore the full extent of the damage done to us in order to be free to offer forgiveness. Where there has been profound abuse the person may have to tell their story over and over again until they are certain they have truly been heard.

It's ok to be real

In no way to we want to minimise the depths of pain some of you reading this are experiencing right now. And we want to say, it's ok to be angry. It's ok to let out the feelings you have towards God: He knows they're there anyway! But the message of hope is that it seems the Bible is telling us that He can use even the most painful experiences in our lives, if we let Him, for our good and for the good of other people.

You may not want or be able to hear that right now. You just want your situation to change. That's ok. There is still more to be done in working through the pain and expressing all the emotions packed in there. God has time for you. He wants you to be honest and tell Him how you feel. There is a way through - not by hiding and turning your anger in to depression; but by opening up and finding that safe place to truly and honestly express how you feel.

And more on...

Being angry with God

The problem of pain and suffering

Living with an angry person

Unhealthy anger - emotional, spiritual and physical effects

Anger and depression

How angry was Jesus?

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Extracts From

Deep Release

Publications

The following extracts will give

you a 'flavour' of the booklet.

Stretched to the Limit!

People often ask Chris and me how we met. We rather like telling people that it was at a conference on Christians under Stress. During the conference we had to do a stress test. When the results came out, Chris had the highest score and I had the second highest. I guess at that point we realised then we must be made for each other!

I'd like to report that we then sailed through to ever-increasing maturity, finding the answer to many of our troubles in our relationship with each other. The truth was, we had a number of very rocky years when our joint stress score probably went off the chart. Somebody said that the only stress-free person is a dead one, which is slightly consoling and so I guess we're not too unusual.

As I begin to type this booklet, a pneumatic drill starts up right outside my house. Its persistent, angry noise shatters the tranquillity of a summer afternoon and I become increasingly irritated. It stops me thinking clearly and I know I am going to get even further behind with my workload. I now feel anxious and stressed! I am aware that a number of deadlines are looming large and I have a ridiculous week at the beginning of next month when I am involved in 3 conferences and conducting 4 different workshops. There simply isn't enough time to get it all done. And a perfectionist like me hates letting go of something like writing without giving it one more try to get the wording exactly how I want it.

Chris received a letter this week which sent his stress level soaring. In fact, it only took the particular handwriting on the envelope to do that. He really needed to strengthen Himself in the Lord before opening it! I'm not sure whether he actually did stand on a chair to get above the situation, but I'm pretty sure he was tempted.

Stress can attack us from all angles. In fact, it's a real buzz word these days. Whether you're suffering from a peptic ulcer or a broken leg, someone, somewhere will tell you it's because you're stressed. I came across a cartoon recently which appealed to me enormously:

Girl No 1: "I saw the doctor about my stress symptoms. He suggested diet, exercise, rest, therapy, religion even."

Girl No 2: "So what did you decide on?"

Girl No 1: "I'm sticking with stress."

Well, you can sympathise, can't you! The (doubtless stressed) GP looks at the list of symptoms presented by the stream of patients coming into his surgery... headaches, ulcers, asthma, backache, arthritis, allergies, over-eating, drinking and smoking too much... skin conditions... irritable bowel syndrome... And the diagnosis?

* It is likely that 60-75% will be stress-related conditions.

* The mental health charity MIND issued recent statistics indicating that 25-30% of absenteeism from work is related to stress, costing the UK around £7 billion per year.

* In one year, 1.8 billion tranquillisers were taken in the UK

The list of remedies supplied by the doctor often seems decidedly unappealing, especially when the implication is you've 'got it all wrong' and 'your lifestyle is too chaotic'. Maybe this is true, but many of us don't want to hear it! I guess we all know that, deep down, the causes and effects involve more than just easing up on the wine and buying an exercise bike.

It now takes as long to negotiate a traffic jam on the M25 as it does to fly to Paris. Computers used to fill entire rooms - now a microchip can be implanted under the skin. It has been said that the sum total of knowledge doubles every 2 years. These mind-blowing facts tells us that the entire human race is, in one sense, in over-load. We simply can't keep up with it, it's all moving too fast, there's too much to know and I can't do it!

Well, I think possibly she did! A hundred years ago there might not have been as many counsellors around as there are today, but who's to say Granny couldn't have done with some help! Maybe her problems weren't the same as ours, but certainly my own grandparents battled with the stress of poverty, sheer physical hard work and poor health in a way most of us thankfully won't have to experience. And who's to say which kind of stress is worse - granny's or mine? Before the World Wars, women had a more limited set of options in terms of their role and day-to-day activity. Life was more predictable, yet far less fulfilling than today.

But there were some fundamental differences if we go back to the beginning of the century. Aunty Gladys and Uncle Fred used to live down the street, just across the road from Grandma, giving a greater sense of family and support. But now the close community life of the early 20th century has long since disappeared. In the 1950s we saw the emergence of the nuclear family as the ability to travel resulted in increased migration, so splitting up the generations. Now, in the 1990s, the single parent family is prevalent, with marriage becoming less and less the norm and a high divorce rate among those who do tie the knot.

There's a bit I like in the film "Crocodile Dundee" where Sue whispers to Mick that her friend has had to see a psychiatrist.

"She needed to talk about her problems, to unload them. You know, bring them out in the open," she explains.

Mick is shocked. "Hasn't she got any mates?" he asks.

Sue smiles wistfully. "You're right. I guess we could all use more mates. I suppose you don't have any shrinks at Walkabout Creek?"

"No. Back there, if you've got a problem you tell Wally, and he tells everyone in town, brings it out in the open, and no more problem!"

Well, it might work in the Australian outback, but certainly in western society today we can't rely on our neighbours to be there for us.

I read in the newspaper that a 22-month old child was found starved beside the body of his father who took a drugs overdose. The mother was in prison serving an 18-month sentence for theft. The community was shattered. One neighbour commented,

"You don't really see anybody nowadays... you certainly don't talk to people as you used to... Now I don't think anything matters much except self. No one has time for anyone else."

A vicar talks of "people's fears of rejection for poking their noses into other people's business."

Poverty and isolation cause stress which leads people to turn to dangerous solutions to blot out the feelings.

Two of my Christian friends, one a secretary, the other a GP, have recently reached burnout, been signed off work and prescribed antidepressants. My husband's psychiatric practice is full of believers battling with the feeling, "I just can't cope any more..."

I'm tempted to type the next line as, Is this how God really wants us to live? But that will surely catapult half our readers into further depression as they add 3 more items to their Stress List: Guilt, Failure, Bad Witness!

We know we can't eliminate stress completely from our lives, but let's look at some of the ways in which we can recognise when we are over-stressed and consider some solutions which we believe are available, both for prevention and cure!

"I am quite exhausted. My mind won't settle at night, I flit from one subject to another... I feel like I'm scuba diving and swimming through great shoals of fish - when I reach my hand out to catch them I find they've slipped through my fingers and disappeared. It's like that with my thoughts. I'm so tired I can't get my words out straight. I make lists, lots of them.

I find when I have loads to do, I end up not doing anything. It's like a kind of denial, I suppose. I can off-load in prayer a certain amount, but when the pressure gets too much it feels like a bottleneck and I can't get through. It's like my path to God is blocked."

These words come from Jenny, a young mother with three young sons. The family is moving house in just a few weeks' time; Jenny is undergoing major orthodontic work which involves many hours in the dentist's chair; she is a school governor and they are currently working on major new appointments; her parents are about to visit from overseas, and it's her youngest child's birthday party next week!

A host of events have all collided at the same time in Jenny's life and she is stressed. Typical of many, she finds it difficult to sleep at night, leaving her ragged in the morning with less resources than ever.

If only we could space out our 'crises' throughout the year so that we could build up strength in between each one! It is often the sense of things piling up that tips us over the edge and we feel we can't cope.

One of the heart-cries of stressed people is that they need space... space for themselves, space to think, to hear God, to 'breathe'... As I get older I find my own need for 'personal space' increases, even without a house full of children. Over-population in inner cities is widely acknowledged as a great source of stress and crime, but over-crowding in our personal lives also causes considerable damage.  

When the adrenalin pumps our body is ready for exceptional action - extra oxygen gets routed to the heart and muscles; sugars and fats pour into the blood so that we have an extra supply of energy; digestion slows down, directing blood to the muscles and brain so that we feel alert, giving us clear thinking and physical strength for a time of crisis. We are all familiar with the phrase, Fight or Flight - certainly some kind of action is assumed!

It is if our stress level remains chronically high that we can find ourselves in trouble, particularly when other factors crowd in on us, and if we take no steps to lower our adrenalin level. What begins as something positive for our bodies can become very damaging to our health. Stress depletes the body's immune system, making us more prone to disease. Prolonged hyperadrenalin reduces our body's natural pain-killers and tranquillisers, making us generally more achey, anxious and panicky.

For many people, stress does not have negative connotations. Up to a certain level, it can be performance-enhancing and positive. When the pressure is on, we can feel quite 'high' and some people actually seem to thrive on stress. They are motivated and exhilarated by busy-ness and seek to fill every available second, with tighter and tighter deadlines. Psychologists have identified that there are 'stress addicts' who feel unhappy if their adrenalin isn't running!

A certain amount of pressure, if it is short-lived, can enable us to produce high quality work or achieve extraordinary feats of strength or endurance. Some students can perform extremely well under exam conditions because the adrenalin surge gives them an extra boost of brain-power. I remember reading about a mother whose child was trapped under a car wheel and she was able to lift the vehicle single-handed off her son's body to release him. But it is often when the crisis is over that the person pays the price of the acute stress phase, and they may well get sick and will almost certainly feel exhausted. This is your body telling you to stop and get some rest and healing!

And more on:

How do I know if I'm stressed?

Type A and Type B Personalities

Ordering your world

Learning to relax

People-pleasing behaviour

Learning When to Let Go

Trusting God

Case Histories of Stressed Out Saints and Burnt-Out Believers!

Practical Steps

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Extracts From

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Publications

The following extracts will give

you a 'flavour' of the booklet.

"So, Tom," I said. "Do you think there are still any differences between men and women today?"

Tom thought for a moment and said, "No, I don't think so. We all treat each other the same." (He shares a flat with both males and females.)

"Right. So you don't perceive any differences in the way the men and women behave... for instance, what you talk about."

"No, not really. We all enjoy talking about the same things."

Chris put in a question: "Who initiates the topic of conversation? The men or the women?"

"Well, it depends," said Tom. "It tends to be the blokes because there are more of us. But everyone's welcome to contribute. And the main thing is that we all share the same sense of humour."

It all sounded very reasonable. I pressed him a little further. "I want to know if any things have changed. You see, if I spend a day with a female friend, I am quite likely to ring her in the evening and discuss everything we did and talked about, and I wondered if...."

I appeared to have pressed a button. "Oh, the phone!" spluttered Tom. "They spend hours on the phone to each other! And they even just ring each other up to see if they're all right! I'd can't ever imagine doing that!"

"... and you wouldn't ring your mate up to chat over what you'd talked about during the day, then...?"

"Well," said Tom cheerfully. "We wouldn't have talked. Just sort of grunted at each other now and then."

The women, however, had dissected every common acquaintance with energy and commitment. And still left room for more that evening.

At first I felt consoled. Maybe some things haven't changed so much after all...

BUT, cry many of my women friends. I am not like that! I am clear-headed, logical, assertive and a high achiever. My idea of joy is not to spend a day gossiping with a friend. And a posse of men protest that they enjoy talking about relationships. So I'm back to square one.

There is no doubt that, in principle, men are born into male bodies and women into female bodies. Full marks for observation! We look different. Women are undeniably designed for childbirth and child-rearing. Men have more muscle strength, their bones are stronger, their hearts are bigger pumps. This was a great help in the days of the hunter, but makes no real difference when it comes to surfing the Internet.

Some would say that there is fundamentally no difference between men and women in terms of ability, intelligence or behaviour. Arguments go backwards and forwards regarding our biology and physiological make-up. Is it 'nature' (the way we are born) or 'nurture' (the way we are raised) which conditions our behaviour? Books like Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus have been sell-out successes and found a tremendous echo in the lives of thousands of men and women who recognise themselves and enjoy the humour. Not only that, but marriages have been helped, relationships have been enhanced and communication improved with understanding of the differences.

On the other hand, many women have been offended at the way women are often portrayed. They protest that stereotyping does neither men nor women any favours and it can never be true to say 'all women do such-and-such' and 'all men are....'. And that of course is a fact.

As I sat amongst a group of 3 women friends recently I studied the differences between them:

• Hannah is the mother of two teenage children. She is very pretty, plump, soft and gentle. She adores scarves and fancy earrings. Easily moved to tears, particularly when others are suffering, she herself loves to be protected and cherished. She is deeply spiritual and sustained by a profound love for God who is very real to her as a Father.
• Claire is also the mother of two children, but there the similarity stops. I have seldom seen her wearing anything but trousers and plain tops, her hair is close cropped and she wears little make-up and simple jewellery. She is assertive, intelligent, funny and vulnerable. She adores sport and will sit glued to the World Cup, or whatever's on. She finds her relationship with God very difficult as He often seems remote and doesn't seem to answer her prayers. She often feels angry.
• Anna is a very beautiful mother of two grown-up children. A professional designer, she is clear-thinking, logical and assertive. She has a talent for colour which comes through both in the way she dresses and the tastefulness of her home. She is highly gifted but self-doubt often makes her want to withdraw from company.

• Mike is a gentle, softly-spoken man, deeply caring about others and very at ease in the company of women. He has great courage standing up for others when he feels a situation is unjust. He can defend himself, but feels the wounds of rejection deeply.
• Peter is a computer programmer. Tall and handsome, he is also a gifted designer and is considering abandoning his current career to pursue the more artistic side of his nature. He loves to spend a free afternoon watching Grand Prix racing with his mates.
• John is hard-working and sociable, but he can be rather withdrawn and insensitive at times. He wants to provide good things for his children and has ambitions for himself and his family.
  

What is influencing us most today as we try to make sense of our lives? How far have we strayed from the original Maker's design?

Adam and Eve were, quite simply, 'made for each other'. And Adam'n'Eve Inc was set up to run Planet Earth - a modest undertaking at the time.

Made in God's image, they found they had this thing called a relationship. (This marked them out from the rest of the animals who, until the arrival of Disney, were seldom spotted having afternoon tea together or arguing over what to watch on TV.)

They were completely free with one another. Eve didn't make snide comments about the names Adam had chosen for the animals, Adam didn't go on at Eve about taking too long in the lagoon... They were relaxed and at ease in their perfect kingdom.

They liked each other! Adam was blessed out of his proverbial socks (well, he would have been if he'd been wearing any) when God created Eve. Being Paradise, and God's top creation, they must have been beautiful people.

I love the way God has designed us to find beauty in one another. It is a special gift to be able to recognise and appreciate loveliness. I'm so glad God gave us colour, design, display and difference... giraffes and warthogs, peacocks and gazelles... daffodils and lupins, sunflowers and daisies...

And Adam and Eve could have it all... except for The Tree.

I wonder how long it lasted?

The idyll of Eden wasn't enough. There was, apparently, more to be had. It was possible to be like God Himself - power!

"I want it all, and I want it now..." echoes down through the history of mankind...

Pain did not previously play a part in the life of God's creation: now it consumes us. The beauty of innocence has gone: Paradise has been lost.

Dominion over the animals becomes domination of woman.

Intimacy is threatened by enmity.

The beauty of interdependent love is replaced by tangled relationships, unrequited love and deep love hunger. Eden becomes a distant memory of heart-to-heart communion with God and oneness with each other, placed in the heart of men and women.

And the rest, as they say, is history.

By the time Jesus came, life was pretty bleak for women, but He was great with them. He broke all the rules. He talked to them in public, He allowed them to touch him when they were ritually unclean, He healed their sicknesses. He spent time with 'immoral' women. He taught women, praised them, used them as excellent examples to follow. Women followed Him, supported Him financially, cooked for Him, challenged Him and loved Him. He was safe. He gave them respect and acceptance in a way which was totally unprecedented in those days.

There are hundreds of books written on the subject of leadership and authority in the church and the roles of men and women. The arguments on both sides go back and forth, and almost everyone you talk to will have a different opinion or a 'gut feel' about the issue. When you've read them all, please tell me all the answers!

In the early church women caused a few problems in some of the church fellowships, but then, so did the men! Women clearly held positions of responsibility (for example, Priscilla and Aquilla led a house church together and taught young Christians), and although men in leadership far outnumbered the women, this is scarcely surprising considering how much ground the women had to make up.

Perhaps what interests me most in all this is that it has taken two thousand years for women to be given serious respect. I would have expected the radical message of the Gospel and the way Jesus elevated and valued women to have started a trend which continued to bring more and more equality between the sexes. The truth is that for two thousand years women have been mistreated, abused, mistrusted, scorned and harmed.

But now the trend is changing dramatically. Why now? Why us?

And more on:M

edia Madness!

The Good Wives Guide circa 1950s

Masculine/feminine differences

Postmodern trends

Men and women in transition

Where are we heading?

Let's work at it together!

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you a 'flavour' of the booklet.

So what did Chris mean when he said I'd been 'critical parented'? Well, the principles of Transactional Analysis are simple.

There are three basic ways in which we can respond to other people.

The idea is..

• we function as parents to our own and, in part, other people's children
• we relate as adults to other adults
• we respond as children to our parents and to God

The parent can be further subdivided into two distinct types:

cold Critical Parent and warm Nurturing Parent/

The adult bit of us tries to make sense of what is going on in our relationships, and works out why we react in different ways to different people and situations.

The child part is also divided into two types:

the rigid, conforming Adapted/Hurt Child on the one side and the natural, spontaneous, disinhibited Free Child on the other.

If we have actually experienced the pain of having had a cold, critical parent figure in our lives, their words and messages, verbal and non-verbal, can remain with us long after we have left home or even after they have died. We no longer need a literal critical parent in our lives. They 'live in our heads', putting us down, telling us we're useless or a failure. So many of us long for, and gravitate towards, nurturing parent figures who accept us with warm, unconditional love.

Life can become a journey to try and please the Critical Parent, to win their favour, somehow to turn into the kind of person who will be loved. We often lose our true identity, our real self, in the process.

The Critical Parent comes from a place which says, I'm right and you're wrong". We feel hurt, criticised and rejected. We may start to build protective walls around our emotions to defend ourselves from more pain and to hide the hurt feelings inside. We need to make our world safe, and often that means denying and hiding who we really are in order to win acceptance.

We might think: 'I'll be OK if...

... I conform to what other people want me to be

... I behave myself and don't 'make waves'

... I keep up a good front

... I'm a good Christian.'

In other words, I'll do anything to try and get love and approval from this parent, even when it means doing something which is quite the opposite of who I really am! This has now produced a split between the true, hurting self inside and the false personality on the outside. This is the root of much unhappiness and many neuroses. It lies behind mid-life crises and many other problems.

You can see why Chris described my interaction with the MP as being 'Critical Parented'! It pushed me right down into the Child place and, because it had a lot of echoes for me from my childhood, I felt 'bad' and rejected.

The Nurturing Parent style is utterly different.

It's very warm and much less dominant. It comes down alongside the other person and is fundamentally warm and accepting.

This kind of relationship, particularly early on in life, gives us emotional roots and solid foundations on which to build, happy and comfortable with who we are. We become 'Free Children', able to fly and fulfil all we are meant to be. We're OK!

But it's important that this kind of love is not too dominant. Even Nurturing Parent love can put us in the child place if it is too strong and suffocating.

In most of our relationships, as grown-ups, we are looking for an Adult-Adult interaction. It is helpful to grasp the basics of TA so that we can begin to analyse why we react so strongly sometimes... if we can stand back and look at the situation more objectively, and with some understanding, it can be very helpful.

What could I have done in that situation with the MP in the Chester hotel?

Should I have stood my ground and challenged his point of view?

Should I have come back at him with a stinging, clever put down, to punish him for putting me down?

Should I have inwardly had the strength to dismiss his remarks as his problem and walked on?

What would you have done?

We're going to explore different ways of handling situations like these, and how we can grow in confidence and maturity in our relationships.

So, having laid down a few basic principles, let's take a look in more detail at how we work through difficult relationships... how we move from War to Peace.

Cathy lay a little longer in bed, wearily contemplating the gargantuan task of getting up and facing the day. Memories of last night's 'words' with Dave's mother came flooding back. (Daphne didn't have 'rows', she had 'words'.) And all over their stupid holiday plans. Just for once they wanted to give the annual trek to Dave's parents in Plymouth a miss so they could go as a family to Scotland. But Daphne could turn the emotional blackmail screws like no one else she knew. I bet they ended up going back to Plymouth...

Cathy could hear her 16 year-old daughter hammering on the bathroom door, yelling at her brother to hurry up - a regular morning ritual. What did Jeremy do in there for so long? Teenagers... They used to play together so nicely, and now she hated the way they spoke to each other. And I bet they think they're too old for family holidays now...

Dave had left for work early again. There were so many problems at the office these days, with the proposed merger and expected job losses. Everyone was watching their back and no one wanted to be the first to leave in the evenings. Dave was working later and later, and sometimes at weekends. She didn't want to make things worse by nagging, but she missed him being around, and there were things they needed to talk about.

She lay on her back and stared at the ceiling. Tonight was the night the home group leaders were going to confront the Minister, Martin, about the lack of pastoral care and training in the church. Mavis Wiggins said you shouldn't challenge 'the Lord's anointed'... But there were principles at stake and Martin just wasn't listening. Feelings were running high. It could divide the church...

She turned on the radio. NATO bombs had hit more Serbian munitions factories... Tony Blair's backbenchers were in revolt... the Middle East peace talks were so confusing...

Cathy turned over and buried her face in the pillow. Just five more minutes... So much hassle, so much conflict.... It was all just too much...

Well, we may not be able to sort out Serbia or the Middle East, but we can make a start with our own relationships! Learning the skills to say things well and work things through can make a difference - no one's saying it's easy, but it's got to be worth a try!

And more on:

Foul! Blowing the whistle!

When someone hurts us

Caring Confrontation

Coping with Criticism

Stages in Relationships

Forgiveness

Strategies - how to do it!

The Way Jesus Dealt with People

Being me, without upsetting you! (Assertiveness)

Games People Play

Read my lips! The art of understanding non-verbal behaviour

True Community

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Extracts From

Deep Release

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The following extracts will give

you a 'flavour' of the booklet.

Passionate Prayer

Why Passionate Prayer?

The Lord is not a 'typical Brit'! He is full of passion - much more like the Jews!

It's ok to feel things, and feel them strongly. It's also important that we express our feelings appropriately, and are able to keep them under control. Prayer is a good place to start! Maybe we've been used to very controlled, metered prayer in our own church tradition, but many of us who have learnt the principles of Passionate Prayer have found enormous benefit in all kinds of areas of our lives.

• We have learnt to praise God!
• We have learnt to be more real with Him!
  
• We have found a way to express our real feelings without fear of being 'wiped out'!
• We have found new strength in intercession, and been able to engage more powerfully with the enemy.

This doesn't deny the need for more formal approaches to prayer at all, but it is a vital weapon to have in one's spiritual armoury! Interestingly, I have often found that the Lord takes me to the point where I feel I have no option but to use this form of intense prayer, and then things start to happen. He wants us to be "hot", to mean business in our dealings with Him and with others. What He hates is lukewarmness, as we know from his reaction to the Laodicean church in Revelation chapter 3. As they are neither hot nor cold, they 'make Him sick'!

Those of you who have heard me speak about Passionate Prayer will know that I tend to lapse into a Welsh accent when I'm in full flow! (It is of course the language of heaven...!). It's just that Welsh has such passion in it - rather like the Spanish I was brought up to speak. There is something about English which can be so formal!

So how do we go about this?

The Starting Point: Standing up and walking about

It's important to find somewhere where you can stand up and pace about, where you can be free to wave your arms expressively. Ideally it should be somewhere where you can also make a lot of noise without fear of disturbing others, though this is not vital as it's actually quite possible to be very expressive under your breath!

The point of being able to move around freely like this is that you can learn to pray and express yourself with your whole body. For many people this is something they have never done before, nor even thought of doing, and it can be enormously releasing when you get into it. Each time I demonstrate Passionate Prayer I find my whole body getting energised and loosening up.

Get used to taking up more space by waving your arms around expansively and 'occupying' the territory around you. Learn to explore the body the Lord has given you. You might find you feel a bit inhibited at first, even if you're doing it on your own, but keep pushing through the 'cringe barrier'! The more you do it, the more natural it will become and you'll wonder why you never learnt how to do it before.

The more you read the Scriptures after this, the more you'll find the depths of passion and feeling emerging from the pages! Take Psalm 22, for example. Just think of the difference between the way the psalm is usually read in church and the agonised cries emitted by Jesus on the cross... as he faces the dereliction of separation from the Father who turns His face away from His own Son.... as He suffers intensely, carrying the whole weight of human sin... as his face distorts so that he is unrecognisable. "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"

If you turn to Hebrews 5:7 we find God honoured Jesus' prayers and petitions, uttered with loud cries and tears, because God saw them as a sign of Jesus' reverent submission! That seems paradoxical, doesn't it? But then, the spiritual life is all about paradox!

Moving into High Praise

Once you've begun to get into your body and are overcoming any awkwardness, allow yourself to raise your arms towards God in a gesture of high praise. Again, this might not be your style and it might feel a bit strange, but do try as best you can. Practice makes it increasingly natural.

Begin to use your whole body worshipfully, offering praise to God with your natural tongue and with your spiritual tongue if you have this gift. Try reaching your arms upwards and waving them about. Be expressive towards God, be free! Allow yourself to move around as naturally as you can. Risk being different. You could even try dancing! It's a great chance to let go and be yourself as unrestrainedly as possible.

There is no 'right' way of doing this. It's what comes naturally to you that counts. The Lord wants us to be like children before Him - I think He relishes child-like spontaneity, free from inhibition. "Out of the mouths of babes you have ordained praise!" This is a way of learning to worship God in Spirit and in truth.

Taking the High Places

Remember the story of Moses taking on the Amalekites (Exodus 17:8-13)? The key factor in his victory was when he stood on the top of the hill with his arms raised above his head, holding God's staff of authority in his hands. He needed his two mates, Aaron and Hur, to support him in that position right through to the evening when the battle was won. As long as he held his hands up, the Israelites won; when they drooped, the Amalekites advanced! What was this all about?

Moses was fighting a spiritual battle in the heavenly realms which then influenced the outcome on the human battlefield. By learning to get into Passionate Prayer you are engaging in spiritual warfare and learning to take the high ground. Imagine yourself holding that staff of authority, given to you by the Lord! Or think of it like a sword that you can wield, sweeping the enemy aside... Or maybe these days it could be a light sabre??! Whatever helps!

Hebrews 1:9 says, "[Jesus] loved righteousness and hated wickedness; therefore God, your God, has set you above your companions by anointing you with the oil of joy". Love... hate... joy... strong feelings are ok!

Intercession

Once you are practising this sort of physical, spiritual and emotional release you can turn this into active intercession and begin to bring your petitions powerfully before the Lord. Hebrews 10:19-25 talks about the right we have of bold access to God's throne room because Jesus has made this possible!

Some people might balk at this. We might feel so unworthy that we have no right to come into His presence; it's not ok to be real, to be ourselves. We have to be in our best clothes, cleaned up and tidied up, very formal and subdued. Not necessarily so! There is of course a time and place when it is appropriate to come into God's presence with awe and respect at His majesty, but God actively encourages us to keep pressing Him with our intercessions.

Remember the widow who keeps on nagging the judge and is praised for it? And what about the woman who was bleeding who broke all the Jewish protocols to push through the crowd and touch the hem of Jesus' coat. She did it, and she was rewarded for it. Let's be daring before God!

Releasing Emotions

When someone hurts us, or we have some painful emotional issues to deal with, it's important that we can unpack our feelings. Very often we need a friend to help us, and learning to unload before the Lord can be hugely liberating. He can cope! He knows us through and through - better than we know ourselves. I believe He is far more interested in our being real than pretending that we've got it all together and are spiritual superstars. It's like a good parent welcoming a child into his or her embrace to cry out the anger and frustration, while being held in safe, understanding, comforting arms. I find God is quite capable of handling all the stuff I want to share with him, and that includes language that may not be too seemly sometimes! It's such a relief and a release to be utterly real with God in this way.

One of the powerful precipitants of depression is turning our feelings in on ourselves and 'imploding'. We become passive, our systems go down, we curl up emotionally, physically and spiritually until we become smaller and smaller. A powerful means of reversing this and bringing our system back to life again is to discover that we are actively encouraged to bring strong feelings into God's presence, to explode with Him, to cry with Him, to be angry in front of Him. There is a tremendous release throughout our whole system when we learn to pray this way, and it can be literally life changing, and even life saving. I know. I've found it for myself. It was a very important mechanism for my coming out of a depression that lasted several years!

Many people have found that Passionate Prayer has helped them connect with parts of themselves that had gone into 'cold storage'. Because of our upbringing, or past trauma, there may be parts of our personality and makeup that we have never actually integrated at all. Through this kind of release we become more internally connected, more whole.

Releasing Tongues and Prophecy

I come across a number of people who have never been baptised in the Holy Spirit, or else have been prayed for and 'nothing happened'. Some have never spoken in tongues, others have experienced partial release. Many of these people have found that, as they begin to get into Passionate Prayer, there is a very real spiritual release resulting in an outflowing of the gifts of the Holy Spirit.

Deliverance

When people ask for prayer to be released from a stronghold in their lives I often find they are very passive. They expect others to do all the work for them! But it's vital for us to learn to pray for ourselves in this area so that we join in the process of deliverance prayer and can strengthen ourselves afterwards. We have already seen that posture is important. Standing up when praying helps us take a more assertive spiritual stance and this can make a real difference. It can help to finding our strength in prayer by pushing hard against a wall, seeing it as an obstacle to one's release. This helps to recruit lots more fight and can often lead to a dramatic breakthrough.

Strengthening Ourselves in the Lord

Joshua chapter one is full of encouragements not to be afraid but to be strong and very determined. Many situations in life feel daunting... such as having to confront someone over a difficult issue, or receiving a letter or phone call we're dreading! Our knees quake and our heart beats faster! Literally standing up and pacing about, speaking truth to yourself, strengthening yourself in the Lord can make all the difference. I do it often! It can really help to clench your fists and adopt a strong stance in the Lord.

Renewing The Mind

There may be times when you find that it's important to get the truth of the Word of God through to yourself. Just reading it or hearing it preached may not seem to get through. By doing Passionate Prayer and speaking the truth strongly to myself I can begin to let it penetrate my thick skull! We have received many testimonies of how important Passionate Prayer has been in helping people overcome passivity, depression, fear of God, physical inhibition, spiritual strongholds and so on. Do try it. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain! God loves you being passionate!

Extracts From

Deep Release

Publications

The following extracts will give

you a 'flavour' of the booklet.

TIME TO JOURNAL

I don't know whether you've ever looked up 'Journal Writing' on the Internet?

No? Ok.

Well, anyway, I did. I was offered 306 websites on the subject, which I felt was a little excessive, so I opted for the promising "Writing: Journals and Diaries", with an exciting yellow flash saying "New!". Just what I wanted.

The next screen offered me rather intriguingly the choice of "Dreams", "Flight Training", "Travelogues" or "The US Civil War".

Sorry, I thought. You've lost me there.

By-passing "Aunt Mae's Diary of small-town life just prior to the Great War", my eye caught the message: "Click here for instant access to the 100 most useful websites!". Within seconds I was away. This looked like much more fun. It had nothing whatsoever to do with Journal writing, but hey, tomorrow's another day.

That's the problem, isn't it? For many of us, there's always something else to do, some other reason why we don't stop, sit down and take time to look at what's happening in our world. It's easy to let life run away with itself. Weeks flow into months and on into years and we scarcely have time to draw breath. We may be vaguely aware of events recurring and feelings resurging, but most of us rarely make the effort to pin down patterns and examine what's going on.

When did you last sit down and ask yourself:

• Does my life mean anything - am I just running round in circles?
  Are there patterns in my behaviour that I'm unaware of and need to do something about?
  Am I using my time effectively?
  Why don't I seem to be winning in this area or that?
  What am I doing - what's really happening to me?
  What if The Hokey Cokey really is what it's all about?

Sorry, that last one just slipped in there...

Journaling is one way to take stock, learn from your past and make changes for the future.

And more on...Keeping it Private

Left and Right Brain Thinking

Creative Thinking

The kind of things to enter

Dialoguing with God

Using Scripture

Dreams

Summarising

Reviewing

Extracts From

Deep Release

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The following extracts will give

you a 'flavour' of the booklet.

Trauma, Shock and Dissociation

We all have different levels of consciousness at some time or another. We can feel wide awake and very attentive, or dreamy and lost in our own world. Ever driven a familiar journey and realised that you’ve been ‘miles away’ en route? The Americans call this ‘highway hypnosis’! We can all be prone to daydreaming and losing concentration - notably in boring meetings! Ellert Nijenhuis also suggests we have a varying field of consciousness. Sometimes we are acutely aware of everything that’s happening around us, and at other times we are very focused into a small field of consciousness, with just a few cues reaching our attention. For example, if you are riveted by a speaker at a conference, you are unlikely to notice that the person two rows behind you has just sneezed! Nijenhuis suggests that we should regard dissociation as a different phenomenon, where the personality has been fractured by trauma into a number of different parts, with no communication between them. The person ‘switches’ from one to another and may ‘lose time’ when this occurs. So why might this happen?

What is ‘Abnormal Development’?

When life is very unsafe and dangerous, and particularly where the child’s parents do not support but rather neglect and abuse her, there is no deep-seated belief that all will be well, and that whatever happens she will be cared for. Instead, she is likely to believe that she is somehow to blame because she is innately bad and worthless; there is something wrong with her. Feelings of shame, mistrust, despair and anger fill her mind, she experiences deep sadness and aches to be loved. The longing to be ‘good’ in order to achieve this is overwhelming. So, instead of flowing easily in her true self, she develops a ‘false’ self, or persona, which she hopes will be what her carers want. This basic split may mean that in adult life she rejects the pain and seemingly ‘pathetic’ behaviour of the hurt child within, and detaches from what are actually normal emotions.

The more severe and extreme the experience, and particularly where trauma and abuse is chronic and repeated, the more efficient the child’s coping mechanisms have to be in order to survive.